I cannot profess that I am an expert on childrearing by any stretch of the imagination, but I can label myself a longtime observer of the children I have known over the years, their parents, and the trends I have seen in my capacity as an educator.
When I was in the classroom, I saw many types of students. There was the student who always did the least that was expected to get by with minimal effort. There was the student who didn’t try at all. And then there was the average student who tried harder than the minimal effort student, but didn’t have the motivation to go beyond mediocre if it took more effort than seemed necessary. There were the above average students, the ones that tried hard to do well and expended much effort to achieve, and the top notch student who worked hard for every A and deserved each one. Finally, there were the students who were naturally gifted, who fell into all of the above categories in terms of motivation, and whose achievements solely hinged on their efforts because learning and mastery came easily.
So if I were to construct categories for the students I have known, I would break them down like this: motivation and intelligence. Here are my categories and some insights on how to get each type of student to work to their fullest potential.
Intrinsically motivated/low to average intelligence: These students work hard to get Cs. They usually don’t have to be told to do their homework. Oftentimes, they are perfectionists with regard to the quality of the penmanship and can be quite organized.
Extrinsically motivated/low to average intelligence: These students try to avoid working at all. They can be a distraction to themselves and others (usually as an avoidance technique). They must be forced to do their work and are often punished for not working in the classroom or bringing home low grades.
Intrinsically motivated/average to above average intelligence: These students work hard, are often organized, do what’s expected of them and even more. They are often the ones that I say “fly under the radar” and go unnoticed for their efforts or their potential.
Extrinsically motivated/average to above average intelligence: These students only work hard when there is someone on top of them making sure they are working. They will try to find ways to get out of doing assigned tasks and usually do not excel in academic areas unless the parent is working as hard as they are, or harder, to achieve the grade.
Intrinsically motivated/above average to gifted intelligence: These students are easily inspired to go above and beyond in terms of producing high quality work product but can oftentimes be overconfident, unteachable (they already know everything), and cocky.
For me, the key factor in reaching these students and helping them become well-rounded, well-adjusted individuals lies in the way the parents manage their bents. I frequently speak to parents who desire to help their children “be the best they can be,” and I encounter the same kinds of misplaced albeit earnest efforts to help their student succeed. I hear comments like, “We have taken everything away from Johnny. No more cell phone, no more TV, no more videogames. Nothing seems to work.” As a matter of fact, in well over 10 years of teaching and working with kids, I have never, I repeat never, found this tactic to be effective.
I would love to say that I have the answer that will work in every situation, but I don’t. And I think therein lies the problem with the way I find many parents handling academic and behavioral issues with their children. There is no single answer that works in all situations. The important thing is to know your child. Become educated in what motivates them. Don’t take everything away. Maybe limit the things that hinder their success. For example, perhaps no TV, cell phones, videogames, etc. until the homework is finished. Perhaps they may have all of those things on Friday when you have received a good report from school.
I remember once, when we were having some issues with my teenage son, if I had done what many parents would have done and restricted him from his friends and taken away his beloved snowboarding, I believe we would have probably lost him to more destructive behaviors. But the beginning of healing and restoration began with bringing in boundaries, that fence that encircles our children to protect them, but allowing him to continue to maintain important parts of his life intact. The deal was, however, that they would definitely become more and more limited, the fence perimeter getting smaller and smaller, if he did not begin to meet certain standards of performance and conduct we had implemented. Mind you, the standards were far below what he was capable of doing but they were far more than he had been doing. This was the beginning of such a tremendous shift from extrinsic to intrinsic motivation in our son, and now, years later, his instrinsic motivation is truly remarkable.
Be a student of your student! My humble advice is: Strive to know your child. Strive to know what inspires him/her to want to do better, to dream, to excel. Strive to know what you do that is a hindrance, not just what he/she does. Being honest with yourself and strict with yourself in your role as a parent is just as important as being strict with your child.
Be consistent. Be consistent. Be consistent. Time and time again I hear parents say things like, “I took the videogames away and hid the controllers, but they found them when I wasn’t home and used them.” Or I took the IPad away, but he goes and gets it. Okay. Forgive me, but who is in control here? Where is the adult in this situation? Don’t be a lazy parent. Don’t be a victim. Don’t make excuses. When boundaries have been set, when protocol has been established with subsequent, realistic consequences, if they are not met, stick to the consequences with fierce consistency. It won’t take long for your child to realize you mean business. You will follow through with the consequences set forth every time. Completely. Without wavering. Otherwise, you are exactly like them, i.e., inconsistent and lacking in intrinsic motivation to get the job done.
Think about rewarding your child for good behavior rather than always concentrating on the negative reinforcement. However, be careful to set achievable goals. I know parents that will say things like, “If you get all A’s by the end of the year, I will take you to Disneyland and buy you a new dirt bike.” For most kids, this is not only unachieveable but it is demoralizing because it’s too far away, too impossible to achieve over the long term. Set small goals that make them excited about doing well. And as they begin to experience the joy of success, begin to give less material rewards and help them begin to desire success because it feels good, not because they will get something material for their efforts.
Finally, don’t compare your child to your other children or to other people’s children. Each child is an individual with unique gifts and talents. If your child’s best is C’s, then be content with C’s, but also look for those areas, which I am absolutely positive exist, where they excel, such as art, music, sports, mechanical aptitude, or service. Someday you may be surprised at how successful and financially secure they are doing what they are good at and happy doing.
Isn’t that what we all want for our childen?
